Look, not all of us are cut out to be plant parents. Some of us just lack that ol' green thumb. It's OK. Shrubby still loves you.
You'll never have to water, sing to, or feed Shrubby. Shrubby never needs pruning, and Shrubby will be just fine being alone while you're on vacation. Shrubby is always happy to listen to your problems and to give you a little bit of extra sparkle.